Next Steps - Target Jordan this is a very impressive piece of writing, you hooked me in right from the start! Lots of sentences start with simple language, try beginning sentences in a variety of ways to keep the readers attention e.g Silence sliced through the car on the ride home or Smelling roast chicken and potatoes filled the house as I opened the front door, dad had done his best to put together our favourite dinner.
Seeing the gloomy look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. Tears poured out of mums eyes and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment, it was ending. Who knew you could get cancer at the age of eleven.
Silence sliced through the car on the way home. No one dear stirred. The smell of the a chicken roast with potatoes and carrots filled my nose as I paced through the kitchen. Having dinner, mum told dad everything that the doctor told her. When mum was telling dad Cody burst out in tears and ran to his room. I stumbled after him trying to keep up, but for some reason my legs were numb. I sat on his bed next to him and gave him a hug.
Mum and dad had decided to go on Cody’s last trip to london. We would stay in a five star resort for two days and fly on Emeritse, first class. It cost alot of money but Cody had wanted to go there for years now. When mum told us that our trip was leaving in five days Cody’s face lit up. Joy filled his
Bags and bags were stuffed into the boot of the car and our family set off for our journey to London. When we got to the airport our plane flew above our head. A 747 was awaiting me and my brother, white with a blue striped tail. We boarded the plane and sat in our elected seat and waited for 16 hours. Tv's were placed in the back of the seats. I watch four movies and play bejewled all the way.
London was amazing. Big, colourful, cheerful and loud. On the first day we went on the London eye, you could see everything from up hear. We walked through town and got a photo of Cody and I in front of Buckingham Palace and Big Ben. We slept in this mahusive double bed. The best sleep I’ve ever had. I think I slept for 14 hours straight. The last day in london was the best, we went for a shopping spree. Even dad and Cody were enjoying the shopping. We went to the air port and boarded the plane. Passing London in the same plane, Cody waved.
Two months passed since the trip, Cody and mum went to the hair dresser to get his hair shaved off. The school holidays were over and Cody hid from the world. It was so sad to see all of the kids his age teasing him because he had no hair. After seeing that everyone teased him, I stood beside him everyday at school. No one picked on him again.
On the twenty-fourth of October at three thirty-two am, the most dreadful thing I had ever experienced in my life happened. Mum was screaming her heart out and shaking Cody’s body and dad was pacing around his room. Crying, I stood in the door way, starring at the unmoving carcass of my brother. He was gone, I was sure of it. The only thing was that his eye was flinching. We called 111 and the ambulance came straight away. They couldn’t help him, he was gone. My emotions suddenly changed. I felt mad, angry and guilty. It felt like it was all my fault and that I didn’t even know him. That night I couldn’t stop crying. Mum and dad gave me a hug. Pain hung over my body till the funeral. Cody's spirt and my pain were both released.
Friday 20 May 2011
WHEN MY BROTHER LEFT EARTH
When I saw the look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. My mum in tears and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment it was ending. I didn’t even think that at the age of eleven, you could get cancer.
Wednesday 18 May 2011
WHEN MY BROTHER LEFT EARTH
When I saw the look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. My mum in tears and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment it was ending. I didn’t even think that at the age of eleven, you could get cancer.
It was a very silent trip home from the doctors. When we got back home at 5:30pm dad had gotten dinner ready, a chicken roast with potatoes and carrots. As we had dinner, mum told dad everything that the doctor told her. When mum was telling dad Cody burst out in tears and ran to his room. I stumbled after him trying to keep up, but for some reason my legs were numb. I sat on his bed next to him and gave him a hug.
Mum and dad had decided to go on Cody’s last trip to london. It cost alot of money but Cody had wanted to go there for years now. When mum told us that our trip was leaving in five days COdy’s face lit up. It was the happiest I had seen him since the doctors.
Ok this is kind of a weird story plot but I like it, you've esablised the charcters very well, You may wanna put in some descirptive language or it might be found abit like of what do they look like and stuff otherwise very good ^.^ FRANKIE Monday 16 May 2011
WHEN MY BROTHER LEFT EARTH
When I saw the look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. My mum in tears and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment it was ending. I didn’t even think that at the age of eleven, you could get cancer.
It was a very silent trip home from the doctors. When we got back home at 5:30pm dad had gotten dinner ready, a chicken roast with potatoes and carrots. As we had dinner, mum told dad everything that the doctor told her. When mum was telling dad Cody burst out in tears and ran to his room. I stumbled after him trying to keep up, but for some reason my legs were numb. I sat on his bed next to him and gave him a hug.
Mum and dad had decided to go on Cody’s last trip to london. It cost alot of money but Cody had wanted to go there for years now. When mum told us that our trip was leaving in five days COdy’s face lit up. It was the happiest I had seen him since the doctors.
We packed or final bag into the boot of the car and set off for our journey to London.
When two months passed, Cody and mum went to the hair dresser to get his hair shaved off. The school holidays were over a few days after he had his hair cut. It was so sad to see all of the kids his age teasing him because he had no hair. After seeing that, I stood by him everyday at school. No one picked on him again.
On the twenty-fourth of October at three thirty-two am, that was the most dreadful thing I had ever experienced in my life. Mum was screaming her heart out and shaking Cody and dad was pacing around his room. I stood in the door-way crying. He was gone, I was sure of it. The only thing was that his eye was flinching. We called 111 and the ambulance came straight away. They couldn’t help him, he was gone. My emotions suddenly changed. I felt mad, angry and guilty. It felt like it was all my fault and that I didn’t even know him. That night I couldn’t stop crying. Mum and dad gave me a hug. It still hurts when I think of him and the funeral was super painful.
Monday 30 May 2011
WHEN MY BROTHER LEFT EARTH
When I saw the look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. My mum in tears and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment it was ending. I didn’t even think that at the age of eleven, you could get cancer.
It was a very silent trip home from the doctors. When we got back home at 5:30pm dad had gotten dinner ready, a chicken roast with potatoes and carrots. As we had dinner, mum told dad everything that the doctor told her. When mum was telling dad Cody burst out in tears and ran to his room. I stumbled after him trying to keep up, but for some reason my legs were numb. I sat on his bed next to him and gave him a hug.
Mum and dad had decided to go on Cody’s last trip to london. We would stay in a five star resort for two days. It cost alot of money but Cody had wanted to go there for years now. When mum told us that our trip was leaving in five days Cody’s face lit up. It was the happiest I had seen him since the doctors.
We packed or final bag into the boot of the car and set off for our journey to London. When we got to the airport our plane flew above our head. It was a propellor plane, white with a blue striped tail. We boarded the plane and sat in our elected seat and waited for four hours.
London was amazing. It was big, colourful, cheerful. On the first day we went on the London eye, you could see everything from up hear. We walked through town and got a photo of Cody and I in front of Buckingham Palace and Big Ben. We slept in this mahusive double bed. The best sleep I’ve ever had. I think I slept for 14 hours straight. The last day in london was the best, we went for a shopping spree. Even dad and Cody were enjoying the shopping. At 12:30 wee left London on the plane back to Auckland.
When two months passed, Cody and mum went to the hair dresser to get his hair shaved off. The school holidays were over a few days after he had his hair cut. It was so sad to see all of the kids his age teasing him because he had no hair. After seeing that, I stood by him everyday at school. No one picked on him again.
On the twenty-fourth of October at three thirty-two am, the most dreadful thing I had ever experienced in my life happened. Mum was screaming her heart out and shaking Cody’s body and dad was pacing around his room. I stood in the door-way crying. He was gone, I was sure of it. The only thing was that his eye was flinching. We called 111 and the ambulance came straight away. They couldn’t help him, he was gone. My emotions suddenly changed. I felt mad, angry and guilty. It felt like it was all my fault and that I didn’t even know him. That night I couldn’t stop crying. Mum and dad gave me a hug. It still hurts when I think of him and the funeral was super painful.
Jordan this is a very impressive piece of writing, you hooked me in right from the start! Lots of sentences start with simple language, try beginning sentences in a variety of ways to keep the readers attention e.g Silence sliced through the car on the ride home or Smelling roast chicken and potatoes filled the house as I opened the front door, dad had done his best to put together our favourite dinner.
Seeing the gloomy look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. Tears poured out of mums eyes and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment, it was ending. Who knew you could get cancer at the age of eleven.
Silence sliced through the car on the way home. No one dear stirred. The smell of the a chicken roast with potatoes and carrots filled my nose as I paced through the kitchen. Having dinner, mum told dad everything that the doctor told her. When mum was telling dad Cody burst out in tears and ran to his room. I stumbled after him trying to keep up, but for some reason my legs were numb. I sat on his bed next to him and gave him a hug.
Mum and dad had decided to go on Cody’s last trip to london. We would stay in a five star resort for two days and fly on Emeritse, first class. It cost alot of money but Cody had wanted to go there for years now. When mum told us that our trip was leaving in five days Cody’s face lit up. Joy filled his
Bags and bags were stuffed into the boot of the car and our family set off for our journey to London. When we got to the airport our plane flew above our head. A 747 was awaiting me and my brother, white with a blue striped tail. We boarded the plane and sat in our elected seat and waited for 16 hours. Tv's were placed in the back of the seats. I watch four movies and play bejewled all the way.
London was amazing. Big, colourful, cheerful and loud. On the first day we went on the London eye, you could see everything from up hear. We walked through town and got a photo of Cody and I in front of Buckingham Palace and Big Ben. We slept in this mahusive double bed. The best sleep I’ve ever had. I think I slept for 14 hours straight. The last day in london was the best, we went for a shopping spree. Even dad and Cody were enjoying the shopping. We went to the air port and boarded the plane. Passing London in the same plane, Cody waved.
Two months passed since the trip, Cody and mum went to the hair dresser to get his hair shaved off. The school holidays were over and Cody hid from the world. It was so sad to see all of the kids his age teasing him because he had no hair. After seeing that everyone teased him, I stood beside him everyday at school. No one picked on him again.
On the twenty-fourth of October at three thirty-two am, the most dreadful thing I had ever experienced in my life happened. Mum was screaming her heart out and shaking Cody’s body and dad was pacing around his room. Crying, I stood in the door way, starring at the unmoving carcass of my brother. He was gone, I was sure of it. The only thing was that his eye was flinching. We called 111 and the ambulance came straight away. They couldn’t help him, he was gone. My emotions suddenly changed. I felt mad, angry and guilty. It felt like it was all my fault and that I didn’t even know him. That night I couldn’t stop crying. Mum and dad gave me a hug. Pain hung over my body till the funeral. Cody's spirt and my pain were both released.
Friday 20 May 2011
WHEN MY BROTHER LEFT EARTH
When I saw the look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. My mum in tears and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment it was ending. I didn’t even think that at the age of eleven, you could get cancer.
Wednesday 18 May 2011
WHEN MY BROTHER LEFT EARTH
When I saw the look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. My mum in tears and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment it was ending. I didn’t even think that at the age of eleven, you could get cancer.
It was a very silent trip home from the doctors. When we got back home at 5:30pm dad had gotten dinner ready, a chicken roast with potatoes and carrots. As we had dinner, mum told dad everything that the doctor told her. When mum was telling dad Cody burst out in tears and ran to his room. I stumbled after him trying to keep up, but for some reason my legs were numb. I sat on his bed next to him and gave him a hug.
Mum and dad had decided to go on Cody’s last trip to london. It cost alot of money but Cody had wanted to go there for years now. When mum told us that our trip was leaving in five days COdy’s face lit up. It was the happiest I had seen him since the doctors.
Ok this is kind of a weird story plot but I like it, you've esablised the charcters very well, You may wanna put in some descirptive language or it might be found abit like of what do they look like and stuff otherwise very good ^.^ FRANKIE
Monday 16 May 2011
WHEN MY BROTHER LEFT EARTH
When I saw the look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. My mum in tears and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment it was ending. I didn’t even think that at the age of eleven, you could get cancer.
It was a very silent trip home from the doctors. When we got back home at 5:30pm dad had gotten dinner ready, a chicken roast with potatoes and carrots. As we had dinner, mum told dad everything that the doctor told her. When mum was telling dad Cody burst out in tears and ran to his room. I stumbled after him trying to keep up, but for some reason my legs were numb. I sat on his bed next to him and gave him a hug.
Mum and dad had decided to go on Cody’s last trip to london. It cost alot of money but Cody had wanted to go there for years now. When mum told us that our trip was leaving in five days COdy’s face lit up. It was the happiest I had seen him since the doctors.
We packed or final bag into the boot of the car and set off for our journey to London.
When two months passed, Cody and mum went to the hair dresser to get his hair shaved off. The school holidays were over a few days after he had his hair cut. It was so sad to see all of the kids his age teasing him because he had no hair. After seeing that, I stood by him everyday at school. No one picked on him again.
On the twenty-fourth of October at three thirty-two am, that was the most dreadful thing I had ever experienced in my life. Mum was screaming her heart out and shaking Cody and dad was pacing around his room. I stood in the door-way crying. He was gone, I was sure of it. The only thing was that his eye was flinching. We called 111 and the ambulance came straight away. They couldn’t help him, he was gone. My emotions suddenly changed. I felt mad, angry and guilty. It felt like it was all my fault and that I didn’t even know him. That night I couldn’t stop crying. Mum and dad gave me a hug. It still hurts when I think of him and the funeral was super painful.
Monday 30 May 2011
WHEN MY BROTHER LEFT EARTH
When I saw the look on Cody’s face as the doctor told him that he had cancer, my heart suddenly sank. My mum in tears and Cody puzzled. Nothing could feel any worse than what it felt then. The doctors eyes fell as he told us that he had had it for two years and he only has five months to live. I couldn’t believe that we didn’t know earlier, how ‘he’ didn’t even know. Surely he would have felt something. But it doesn’t matter any more. His life was just starting and after one doctors appointment it was ending. I didn’t even think that at the age of eleven, you could get cancer.
It was a very silent trip home from the doctors. When we got back home at 5:30pm dad had gotten dinner ready, a chicken roast with potatoes and carrots. As we had dinner, mum told dad everything that the doctor told her. When mum was telling dad Cody burst out in tears and ran to his room. I stumbled after him trying to keep up, but for some reason my legs were numb. I sat on his bed next to him and gave him a hug.
Mum and dad had decided to go on Cody’s last trip to london. We would stay in a five star resort for two days. It cost alot of money but Cody had wanted to go there for years now. When mum told us that our trip was leaving in five days Cody’s face lit up. It was the happiest I had seen him since the doctors.
We packed or final bag into the boot of the car and set off for our journey to London. When we got to the airport our plane flew above our head. It was a propellor plane, white with a blue striped tail. We boarded the plane and sat in our elected seat and waited for four hours.
London was amazing. It was big, colourful, cheerful. On the first day we went on the London eye, you could see everything from up hear. We walked through town and got a photo of Cody and I in front of Buckingham Palace and Big Ben. We slept in this mahusive double bed. The best sleep I’ve ever had. I think I slept for 14 hours straight. The last day in london was the best, we went for a shopping spree. Even dad and Cody were enjoying the shopping. At 12:30 wee left London on the plane back to Auckland.
When two months passed, Cody and mum went to the hair dresser to get his hair shaved off. The school holidays were over a few days after he had his hair cut. It was so sad to see all of the kids his age teasing him because he had no hair. After seeing that, I stood by him everyday at school. No one picked on him again.
On the twenty-fourth of October at three thirty-two am, the most dreadful thing I had ever experienced in my life happened. Mum was screaming her heart out and shaking Cody’s body and dad was pacing around his room. I stood in the door-way crying. He was gone, I was sure of it. The only thing was that his eye was flinching. We called 111 and the ambulance came straight away. They couldn’t help him, he was gone. My emotions suddenly changed. I felt mad, angry and guilty. It felt like it was all my fault and that I didn’t even know him. That night I couldn’t stop crying. Mum and dad gave me a hug. It still hurts when I think of him and the funeral was super painful.